torsdag 28 januari 2010
Graveyard of the dead (2009)
Ok, this is it. This is most likely the worst movie I have seen in my entire life. It's the kind of movie that makes Jess Francos Mansion of the lving dead look like it was directed by George Romero. And the worst part? I paid money for it.
Ok, so back in the good old days in Spain a couple of templars, with their holy symbol looking like its spraypainted on their clothes, are out walking on the countryside looking for witches. They're walking and walking (even reusing some scenes of the walking. this is a practice they continue throughout the entire movie, althoug on some occasions they flip the scene) while we keep hearing the same meandering droneish music, some sort of oneminute loop going on and on for at least fifteen minutes. After a while they come upon two men which they start to threaten and when they do not comply the whipping starts. They whip him for at least two whole minutes and finish it off by cutting off his arm and head (I think. The editing is completely worthless, another practice they keep on doing throughout the entire movie). Then they start walking again and soon come upon a young woman picking flowers or something. They grab her and drag her to their lair and starts whipping her. For several minutes. Then they decide they need another woman to whip if they are to become immortal and go out to find one. Walking, walking, walking. They find another woman, drag her back and start whipping her. You know the drill now. In the meantime the men of the village realize they had had enough of this and decide to off the evil templars in a scene full of blood, awful editing and sfx that make Violent Shit look good. Ok, so this was the movies first 25 minutes. The longest 25 minutes I have ever encountered. And now it gets even worse... We jump forward to the present where some guy in a trenchcoat is walking around in the countryside looking for his sister. He walks alot, for what felt like an hour but probably is more like five minutes, shouting the name Miranda at least 50 times. He then finds his sister who is in a state of shock and doesnt recognize him at first. She keeps babbling about her husband who was killed by the Lords of the forest or something. She then runs off and we get the first in a looong serie of flasbacks. It seems that while she was living at home her father secretly lusted for her and soon tried to rape her. This is revealed throughout the movie and has nothing whatsoever to do with the rest of the events. Anyway, night soon falls and we see a group of people having the lamest party ever in the woods, stringing balloons in the trees and dancing to some godawful public domain music that make you want to pour acid in you ears.
We need a brake now. Did I mention that the movie is almost entirely nudeless, even though it has the production values of a porn movie and most of the actresses are wearing wigs? Well, if you buy the dvd there is a nice trailer of a movie about some nuns possessed by the devil where there is a very graphic scene where a woman is masturbating with a gun shoved right up her snatch. How's that for extras?
Anyway, now it is time for the templars to rise out of their graves. Well, the assholes that buried them seems to just have dropped them on the ground and poured some dirt and leaves over their bodies. You can actually see parts of their bodies sticking out of the leafpile just before they rise. And this is why I bought the movie, since this was supposed to be a tribute to Amando De Ossorios wonderful Blind dead movies. Yes, they do look somewhat similar to Ossorios creations, except for the fact that they doesnt seem to be blind and speak with their voices pitched down. So, now we're getting a bit of gore, eh? Well, sorta. The girls brother is the first one killed, rendering his presence in the movie useless. Why was he even there? There was no reasong whatsoever for him being featured in the story. The background story with the girl running away is poorly integrated into the story, and.. well, it's rendering me speechless. ........
Ok, so the blind dead walks around in the forest, killing all the partygoers in a series of unbelievably badly edited gorescenes until morning comes, they fall down and the girl lives. The End.
This is such a bad movie that you cannot even laugh at its ineptness. It took me two weeks to watch it, and for a movie thats only 70 minutes long (looooooooooong), that's telling you something. At first I thought this was some kind of poorly disguised fetishmovie for connoiseurs of whipping, but they stop doing that after the 25 minute mark. After that, we only get a couple of lingering shots on Mirandas clothed butt so I dont really know what the makers of this movie really want to say. It is that bad.
Normally I dont like to write these long flaming reviews of a movie I dont like, but I'm making an exception for Graveyeard of the dead. I paid for this, I have the right to call it whatever I like. And this is a warning. Stay away from Graveyeard of the dead aka El Retorno de los Templarios, whatever you do. Stay away.