måndag 12 april 2010

House by the cemetary - The Christian version

The World First Christian Monster/Horror film, How does a man of God face a monster, get this DVD and Find out, and you wont believe the suprise ending. This film is not intended for children

Watch as DR Froydstien comes with a demonic mission to steel peoples cells in an attempt to live forever.

This film originaly directed by Lucio Fulci, is the old 80's Italian shocker made Christian, and re-edited by producer Jeff Teck..

Look at the pretty cover.

So, some guy on the internet has taken it upon himself to edit his own version of Lucio Fulcis goreclassic House by the cemetary, and has been selling it on Amazon.com. Just from looking at the guys website, this promised to be something beyond belief. Who the hell would buy such a thing? Well, that would be me. I had to.

It starts with a new titlescreen - Teckfilms.com and The mentalchurch.com Present a film by Jeff Teck. House by the cemetary revisited, The christian version. Yes, the asshole actually states that he made the film. While watching this little cheap videoanimation we are treated to a midiversion of some psalm or something, still hearing the pianos of the movies original soundtrack until the movie starts with the scene where Bob see the little girl in the painting of the house. Yes, no sign of the scenes with Daniela Doria and her lover. Was it the boobies perhaps? Boobies are bad and make you go to hell. Bob tells his mom that the girl told him not to come to the house and when the camera zooms in on the painting we get an animated scene with flames "skillfully" edited into the picture along with a scary cheap synthesizer effect and a text that says:

"someone may die
pray they dont go to hell"

Oh yes, this is going to be awesome.

The movie then gets going with getting that obnoxious little kid and his parents to the Freudstein house and I'm desperately waiting for more fun stuff. Sure enough, when they arrive at the real estate agency and Bob is talking to the little dead girl, that screen with the flames and the evil sound pops up again, this time with the following little tidbit:

"hell is not for children
they don't know thier right from left hand"

Along with editing, spelling is not Jeff Tecks greatest talent.

They arrive at the house, bicker a bit about Catriona MacColls nervepills and all of a sudden (through the magic of bad editing) it is night and the flames pop up again:

"whats next
it's anybodies guess"

Yes, by now I am convinced that God is wathing over all of us. Especially when the next scene comes, when Catriona is sleeping and Paolo Malco finds the empty Freudstein folder, with added voiceover from Jeff Teck:

"Lord Jesus I come to you because you are good. There's just something about this house, something I dont get. The more I read about you the more I believe. Yet sometimes I feel our lives are in danger. I dont know. I wish I had the answers. The noises, the whining. Something about this house is just different. I hear the sounds that I have to go explore what the sounds are. Oh lord, help me and my family escape the day of judgement when all will come down upon us. And I know whatever we face down in this house, we can handle it. Thats what you are best at, Lord. Bringin things to a good end. I dont know whats through that door, I dont know whats under this house but it could be an evil for this is a sinful planet. Then who could explain it? Lord I just want to thank you in the name of Jesus that you are in control and I just want to thank you for all you do. No matter how spooky this place gets I know I got you! Thank you Lord. Amen."

The original scene is a pretty atmospheric one, showing that old Fulci had some pretty decent moviemaking skills, greatly helped by Sergio Salvatis excellent photography. This version? Uhm, yeah. When the monologue is finished, Malco hears something behind the cellar door and goes to investigate. Too scary for Jeff Teck who scissors the proceedings like he is blind and all of a sudden we cut into a scene next day, in the middle of a sentence. Later on, when Malco is reading his predecessors diary Teck edits in a short scene where a frantic McColl tries to open the cellar door, and goes back to the diary scene like nothing happened. Why? Only Jeff Teck knows. All of a sudden we come to that classic scene where McColl finds the babysitter wiping the blood of the floor. You know, The "I made coffee" scene. Thie means that Teck also cut out the scene where the realestate agent meets her maker. This goes for the babysitterscene as well. Surprised? And then we come to the climax that goes all Takashi Miike on us. The movie turns black and white (You know, the tenth generation vhsdub black and white) when Paolo Malco attacks Dr Freudstein, a overdubbed voice says "Lord Jesus help me", the screen is bathed in fog and lightning comes down from above. Then the Earth explodes. The End. The endtitles tell us that Catriona MacColl, Paolo Malco and Giovanni Frezza stares.

Ok, this is by far the most retarded excuse for a "movie" I have ever seen. The editing is pitiful and seems to be done all random. The last half of the movie are full of skips, graphical errors and loud bursts of static, with the occasional repeating of a scene. Unfortunately the christian propaganda is kept to the first half so I guess he got tired of it and just went haywire. It has to be seen to be believed.

House by the cemetary is a fine little goreflick but the script is not exactly logical and rather fragmented, but when a christian hack starts messing about with it, cutting out all the gore and deleting random scenes (the whole thing is just 53 minutes. Go figure) and adding animations that a five year old could have done better it turns into something totally incomprehensible. This is just fucked up. I wish there was a commentary track by Jeff Teck, but I would probably be too afraid to listen to it.

Thank you lord for this little movie and the pleasure it has given me.

1 kommentar:

  1. Fuck, I should have bought it anyway! This sounds shit-a-delic!!!