Violent shit (1989)

To call this shot on video masterpiece a movie is an insult to all movies. It is just a random series of poorly shot and edited scenes with no sense of plot or story, with long scenes of people walking around in the Woods or driving and driving and driving before ending up killed by Karl the butcher in long, drawn out sequences that are as exceptionally gory as they are exceptionally poorly made, the sfx are atrocious. This is DIY film-making at it's worst.

Still, I cant really hate it. I watched this on vhs back when I started collecting uncut movies in the late 80s and while not exactly liking it even back then, there was still some fun in describing the scenes to friends or just telling them you had a movie called Violent shit. And it is most likely the only movie ever to have a scene of a guy cutting a hole in Jesus chest and crawling into him. That oughta count for something, right?

And when I think about it for a moment I realize that the German goremovie scene that started in the late 80s meant more to me than I thought. I remember getting this one along with movies like Schnaas Zombie 90 and Olaf Ittenbachs Black past and getting quite a lot of enjoyment out of them. Sure, they were cheap and poorly made but there weren't many other movies like them that you could get your dirty paws on, at least not as gory.

And I'm pretty happy with my Violent shit box that was signed by Steve Aquilina, the producer/editor/cinematographer.

Phantoms (1998)

 

I think I've read Dean R Koontz Phantoms at least ten times, no joke. It is one of those books that has a plot that perfectly fits what I want when it comes to horror, an enigmatic and mysterious "villain" and a wonderful mystery in how the hell everyone in a small Town died or vanished within a few hours. It is one of those books that I pick up whenever I don't know what to read and it is like visiting an old and cherished friend. It it my own personal safe bet when it comes to reading.

Phantoms the Movie is a decent adaption of the novel and works fine as a horror movie, I really think so. There are a number of good setpieces, especially the church scene and the big reveal towards the end. But, and this is a big one, the movie has two giant flaws that stops the movie from greatness.

1. The script. There is a shitload of really preposterous dialogue that feels more at home in a Syfy original and that whole thing about Afflecks character and the kid he shot is just stupid. I am gonna whine a little about the changes from the book like whole subplots missing but it's not really that big of a deal.

2. The actors. Well mostly Affleck and Rose McGowan. Affleck does a decent job but he was 26 at the time, looks like he's 18 and plays a sheriff that used to be an FBI agent. Just stupid. Rose McGowan at the tender age of 25 plays what is supposed to be a teen and this feels just wrong. Not to mention the fact that she cannot act at all. Peter O'Toole brings a certain class to the whole thing but he has some of the most atrocious parts of the dialogue, poor man.

But besides these two nagging points, Phantoms is actually a quite fun blob-movie with some gooey sfx. And we all know we cannot hate blob-movies. There is actually a law prohibiting such behaviour. There is, I swear.

Octaman (1971)

Octaman is one of those movies that I cannot have a serious relation to. No, it is not a good movie in any way. The story is pedestrian, just another variation of King Kong or Creature from the black lagoon with nothing new to offer and for a movie that is only 76 minutes it is excruciatingly slow. The actors are so-so which is understandable since their characters are all crudely drawn straight out of the fifties. But the worst sin that the movie does is the fact that it shows the monster all the time. In. Broad. Daylight. There is not a detail left to your imagination in any scene.

And this is also why I love Octaman. Paul Blaisdell would be proud. 

Come on, look at it. 

Look at it once more. 

And that is why I love Octaman. The movie does have a few positives such as decent locations and a bit of the old bright red 70s blood as our favorite monsters kills random characters with its tentacles. Major rubbermonster cheese and that is the drug that I am hooked to. And you should too.

Satan's blade (1984)

 

How the hell do you rate a movie like this? For its entertainment value or the rating that it actually deserves based on how well (incompetently) made it is? I had a great time watching this poorly acted trainwreck of a movie but my brain kind of hurts from doing it. This is the worst kind of 80s slasher that really doesn't have anything positive about it apart from an effective scene or two. The actors are all awful, not a single one of the can handle dialogue and you understand why this is the only acting credit most of them have. The music is horrendous, just endless drones of awful dullness that never fit the scene they're used in. The gore? Nonexistent. The plot isn't actually that bad, just very much nothing new as we follow a group of people travelling to a mountain cabin resort only to be killed one by one by someone using SATAN'S BLADE (a knife supposedly imbued with an evil spirit or something) until we reach the end that has a dumb twist.

But still, I actually had a good time in all of this nonsense. The kills may not be splattery but they are really brutal and the body count is high. And as an added bonus, lots of nudity. And the most important factor: I was never bored. I Think this is the type of movie that will tax your patience a lot if you are in the wrong mood and for some reason I was at the time open to all of its stupidity. I could quite possibly have hated it the next day.

And now my mind starts to wonder off in horrible thoughts about me liking Don't go into the Woods if I just had watched it another day. We will never find out. If you like cheap 80s slashers heed these four words.

You could do worse.

Beyond dream's door (1989)

 

I think I've seen this movie before but I'm not sure. Or did I dream that? Or did I see the movie in a dream? Or did I dream that I dreamt that I saw the movie? This does not make any sense and that is a perfect description of Beyond dream's door, a lovely 80s cheapo about a demon haunting a guy from within his own dreams. I think.

But then again, you can't hate a movie that tries so hard. The movie is just a long series of horror imagery that are both ambitious and unfulfilling due to lack of a proper budget to show it all, it piles them on in such a breakneck pace that you rarely have time to dwell on the less succesful scenes. There is a shitload of cheap gore effects and earnest but atrocious acting and random plot twist to ensure that you aren't bored for a one second. And there are boobs.

 

So if you like cheap 80s goremovies there is a lot of fun to be had here. Or did I just dream that? That rickety rubbermonster that chases everyone could very easily be a figment of my sleeping mind. Which means that if you are reading this you are just a figment of my sleeping imagination, cannon fodder for the demon that dwells beyond my dream's door. I think I need help.