Satan's blade (1984)

 

How the hell do you rate a movie like this? For its entertainment value or the rating that it actually deserves based on how well (incompetently) made it is? I had a great time watching this poorly acted trainwreck of a movie but my brain kind of hurts from doing it. This is the worst kind of 80s slasher that really doesn't have anything positive about it apart from an effective scene or two. The actors are all awful, not a single one of the can handle dialogue and you understand why this is the only acting credit most of them have. The music is horrendous, just endless drones of awful dullness that never fit the scene they're used in. The gore? Nonexistent. The plot isn't actually that bad, just very much nothing new as we follow a group of people travelling to a mountain cabin resort only to be killed one by one by someone using SATAN'S BLADE (a knife supposedly imbued with an evil spirit or something) until we reach the end that has a dumb twist.

But still, I actually had a good time in all of this nonsense. The kills may not be splattery but they are really brutal and the body count is high. And as an added bonus, lots of nudity. And the most important factor: I was never bored. I Think this is the type of movie that will tax your patience a lot if you are in the wrong mood and for some reason I was at the time open to all of its stupidity. I could quite possibly have hated it the next day.

And now my mind starts to wonder off in horrible thoughts about me liking Don't go into the Woods if I just had watched it another day. We will never find out. If you like cheap 80s slashers heed these four words.

You could do worse.